慈父AGoodHearttoLeanon
佚名
Anonymous
WhenIwasgrowingu，Iwasembarrassedtobeseenwithmyfather.Hewasseverelycriledandveryshort，andwhenwewouldwalktogether，hishandonmyarmforbalance，eolewouldstare.Iwouldinwardlysquirmattheunwantedattention.Ifheevernoticedorwasbothered，heneverleton.
Itwasdifficulttocoordinateourstes-hishalting，mineimatient-andbecauseofthat，wedidntsaymuchaswewentalong.Butaswestartedout，healwayssaid，“Yousettheace.Iwilltrytoadjusttoyou.”
Ourusualwalkwastoorfromthesubway，whichwashowhegottowork.Hewenttoworksick，anddesitenastyweather.Healmostnevermissedaday，andwouldmakeittotheofficeevenifotherscouldnot.Amatterofride.
Whensnoworicewasontheground，itwasimossibleforhimtowalk，evenwithhel.AtsuchtimesmysistersorIwouldullhimthroughthestreetsofBrooklyn，NY，onachildssleightothesubwayentrance.Oncethere，hewouldclingtothehandrailuntilhereachedthelowerstesthatthewarmertunnelairketicefree.InManhattanthesubwaystationwasthebasementofhisofficebuilding，andhewouldnothavetogooutsideagainuntilwemethiminBrooklynonhiswayhome.
WhenIthinkofitnow，Imarvelathowmuchcourageitmusthavetakenforagrownmantosubjecthimselftosuchindignityandstress.Andathowhedidit-withoutbitternessorcomlaint.
Henevertalkedabouthimselfasanobjectofity，nordidheshowanyenvyofthemorefortunateorable.Whathelookedforinotherswasa“goodheart”
，andifhefoundone，theownerwasgoodenoughforhi
NowthatIamolder，Ibelievethatisaroerstandardbywhichtojudgeeole，eventhoughIstilldontknowreciselywhata“goodheart”
is.ButIknowthetimesIdonthaveonemyself.
Unabletoengageinmanyactivities，myfatherstilltriedtoarticiateinsomeway.Whenalocalsandlotbaseballteamfounditselfwithoutamanager，heketitgoing.HewasaknowledgeablebaseballfanandoftentookmetoEbbetsFieldtoseetheBrooklynDodgerslay.Helikedtogotodancesandarties，wherehecouldhaveagoodtimejustsittingandwatching.
Ononememorableoccasionafightbrokeoutatabeacharty，witheveryoneunchingandshoving.Hewasntcontenttositandwatch，buthecouldntstandunaidedonthesoftsand.Infrustrationhebegantoshout，“Illfightanyonewhowillsitdownwithme!”
Nobodydid.Butthenextdayeolekiddedhimbysayingitwasthefirsttimeanyfighterwasurgedtotakeadiveevenbeforetheboutbegan.
Inowknowhearticiatedinsomethingsvicariouslythroughme，hisonlyson.WhenIlayedball（oorly），he“layed”
too.WhenIjoinedtheNavy，he“joined”
too.AndwhenIcamehomeonleave，hesawtoitthatIvisitedhisoffice.Introducingme，hewasreallysaying，“Thisismyson，butitisalsome，andIcouldhavedonethis，too，ifthingshadbeendifferent.”
Thosewordswereneversaidaloud.
Hehasbeengonemanyyearsnow，butIthinkofhimoften.Iwonderifhesensedmyreluctancetobeseenwithhimduringourwalks.Ifhedid，IamsorryInevertoldhimhowsorryIwas，howunworthyIwas，howIregrettedit.IthinkofhimwhenIcomlainabouttrifles，whenIamenviousofanothersgoodfortune，whenIdonthavea“goodheart”
。
AtsuchtimesIutmyhandonhisarmtoregainmybalance，andsay，“yousettheace，Iwilltrytoadjusttoyou.”
在我的成长过程中，一直觉得，被人看到我与父亲在一起是件很尴尬的事。
父亲个子矮小，且患有严重的脚疾。
我们走在一起时，他总是挽着我的胳膊来保持身体平衡，这样难免会引来一些好奇的目光，令我很不自在。
但是如果他注意到了我的这些细微变化，即使再痛苦他也会埋在心底，从不外露。
我们走路的步调很难协调一致——他行动迟缓，我毫无耐心。
因此一路上我们交谈甚少。
只是每次临走前，他总会说：“你走你的，我会尽量跟上你。”
我们常往返于家与地铁站之间的那段路，父亲要在那儿乘地铁去上班。
他常会带病工作，不管天气多么恶劣，几乎没耽误过一天，就是在别人不能去的情况下，他也会设法去上班。
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